Nicole vs. Life
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
