Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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