so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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