He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
