no you cant smoke seaweed
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Houston, we have a blender
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
