you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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