u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
