don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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