At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
