im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You are a genius and a whore.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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