I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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