all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
