just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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