You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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