I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
