Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
