My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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