i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
