Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
