I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
