I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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