you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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