Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
