I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
