everyone is single if you try hard enough
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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