Already got asked if we're dating
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
