WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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