Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
