i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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