Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
