dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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