It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
