i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
