i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
