Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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