The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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