Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
