wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
