she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You're like the curious george of whores
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
