I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
