You smell like a Billy Joel song
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
