I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
