Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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