hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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