I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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