Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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