God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
