eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
