when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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