Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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