I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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