I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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