Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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